My friends, they love my intelligence
someone get that fucking seahorse.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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