Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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