Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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