There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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