Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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