the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
