Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
