I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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