She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
