I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize