New low: just hacked my moms facebook
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He shit in the fireplace
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
