Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
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