This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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