Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
