nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
