i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
