were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize