The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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