Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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