Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
