Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
