O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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