Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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