Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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