Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
