I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
