the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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