I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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