He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
