I met the friendliest cop last night
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
