I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize