New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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