What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Randomize
