We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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