my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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