I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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