i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
