Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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