yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
