Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
