we have pet lesbian snakes
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
