I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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