Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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