my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
