Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
