I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
