I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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