I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
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