just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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