i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i need some magic done to my vagina
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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