no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I didn't notice because vodka
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
