I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
