I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
