True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
