So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
