her facebook's as public as her vagina
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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