Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
PANTIES FOUND
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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