New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
