I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
